the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
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Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Go girl power!
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier