the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
I am yelling
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
#FunnyLife Insects
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“That’s what” – She
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
A dad and his duck
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.