THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Me, reading some of your tweets
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit