The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
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I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Brands during Pride
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
But that’s none of my business
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.