The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.