the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
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[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.