The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
listen closely
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
i was baptized in a car wash
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.