The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
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Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I am HOWLING at this
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
LOOOOOOL
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…