The happy life.. 😊
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He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?