the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george