the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)