The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one