Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”

“Avocado Kedavra”

-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB

If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.

I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.

Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

ME: [backing into driveway]

WIFE: Where’s the car?

What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.

worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”

My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.