The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
synchronized noseblowing
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Go girl power!
The news is so predictable nowadays
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
getting old is fun
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE