The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
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My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”