The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.

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My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”


They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.


interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears


I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.

“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”


Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem


HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.


Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.


Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess


On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit


Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?

Me: I don’t have air conditioning.

Friend: How do you stay cool?

Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*

Friend: Holy shit.