The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
You Might Also Like
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Autocarrot sucks!
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.