@Manda_like_wine My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
@DraggingFeeties The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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@Manda_like_wine 
@Parkerlawyer They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
@clichedout interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
@spark_asis I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
@kryzazzy Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
@Jake_Vig HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
@DothTheDoth Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
@wittwitbarista Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
@AnOrangeSNES On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
@Tmoney68 Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.