The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.