The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn