The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The Moon: [swipes left]
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there