The hardest thing Vision has to do
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day