The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
#MeanwhileInCanada
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.