The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Ah..makes sense now
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.