The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.