The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
i hope my email finds you on fire
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Morning my dudes.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Me, in DM rooms…
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework