The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together