the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

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I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.


It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”


Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.


*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”


Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.


Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.


I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.


I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.


“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.