the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
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Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
very niche meme I made
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.