the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
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Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax