Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

$175 an hour, $175 an hour…

– my therapist’s notes

I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful

Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial

Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.