The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”