the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Happy Febuary everyone!
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides