The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
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Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.