The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
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I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.