The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
how long have you had this for?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Optional boss fight.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn