The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
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Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
plant them where lol
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Boating season is upon us.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.