The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
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mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?