The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*