The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I鈥檓 the star of a Whitesnake video
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn鈥檛 be as annoying as you.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we鈥檙e out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT鈥橲 2AM!
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 馃槶馃槶
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
You aren鈥檛 a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”