the #horror is real!
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– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.