Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

*In the elevator*

Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?

Me: No. We’re just friends

Guy: ….

I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants

“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

“I’m leaving you”

“why?”

“Your jokes are old and tiresome”

“but, I can updog”

“What’s updog?”

“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”

*slams door*

he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other

imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?

scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one

gen z: what

scientist: what

Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,

“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Always trust a glue salesman…

They tend to stick to their word.

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays

I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!