The horror. The apostrophe’s.
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“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all