The horror. The apostrophe’s.

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For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.


“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”


I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?


My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.


How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk


The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.


She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”


Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired