@jdpoc

The horror. The apostrophe’s.

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@Qwertyings

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

@k8ieokay

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

@mazizkhalifa

I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?

@BrianIncognito

My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.

@KyleMakesStufUp

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

@ShMaCkEdWeNcH

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

@earfdae

She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.

@david8hughes

[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”

@runawaycupcake

Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired