THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
And now we wait
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once