the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly