The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Employees must applaud the planets.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
This is a bad sign
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.