The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
(yawn)
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.