the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
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Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Am I having a stroke?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
This is the best one I’ve seen
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here