@JasonLastname

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

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@TheAndrewNadeau

me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—

whoville 911: what was that

me: the grinch robbed me

whoville 911: no the weird part

@JustUnstableMe

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

@robwhisman

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

@bellicosejason

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.