@JasonLastname

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

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@JesseDoctor

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

@tastefactory

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

@ojedge

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

@HomeProbably

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

@daemonic3

[at funeral]

FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss

ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured

FRIEND: I meant for your wife

ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost

@ElizaBayne

If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now

@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

@TheDailyEdge

Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@jannable9

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.