The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
You Might Also Like
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
it be like that
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back