@internetluke [friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
@Shariv67 The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
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@internetluke 
@brennadine Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
@cooterbrain You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
@TheBoydP If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
@weinerdog4life You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
@Spaziotwat [*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
@Reverend_Scott “Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
@LipLush1 30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
@Brentweets To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
@ericamorecambe Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.