@Shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

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@internetluke

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

@brennadine

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

@cooterbrain

You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”

@TheBoydP

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

@weinerdog4life

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

@Spaziotwat

[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”

@Reverend_Scott

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

@LipLush1

30 seconds left on the microwave

~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone

~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown

@Brentweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

@ericamorecambe

Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.