The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.