The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?