@DaveJPrimo

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

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@iMikosnyc

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

@tweetsauce

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@glenyrd

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

@DanMentos

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

@UNDEADTRESOR

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

@OtherDanOBrien

Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?

@NotthatAdamWest

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”