The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
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Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?