The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
I think the cat got the dog high.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?