the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I need a headline like this
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.